I. AM. NOT. THIS. PERSON. Ask anyone who has known for any period of time. I do not generally do STUPID things. Don't get me wrong, I screw up and I am by no means perfect, but I have my shit together...I thought. Mary can vouch for me here...I am not scatterbrained or a dingbat. I live in the real world and mostly make sound judgments. Honestly, I just don't do stupid things. Period. End. Of. Story. That is, until I had children. Evidently, kids make me fucking R.E.T.A.R.D.E.D.
Daddio would argue that pregnancy makes me stupid. I would have to agree. Too much blood flowing somewhere besides the brain in my opinion. But anyway, the way the last month has gone, I thought I might me in the twilight zone. There was a full moon last week, but I don't think I can blame any of this on that.
Looking back over the last few weeks, I can definitely see a RETARD pattern. After we got off our cruise in Feb. we took a cab back to our car. My dumbass left one of our bags in the cab. I. DON'T. DO. THAT. Fast forward to this past Tuesday. The kids and I flew to Columbus to visit the IL's. I grabbed TWO bags off of the baggage carousel that were not mine. One of them I realized was not ours and put it back. The other one, "my" suitcase, I didn't check until we were at the car. I opened it and found high heels....um, not mine...at least not this trip. So, I took the bag back to baggage claim, only to find it EMPTY! UGH!!! I went to the baggage office and the attendant called the person who most likely had my bag. She left a voicemail and assured me I would have my bag by that afteroon. Fortunately, I got the call that she had my bag just minutes after we left the parking garage, so we were able to turn around and pick it up. I am by no means a world traveler, but I have been to the airport numerous times in my 32 years, many times alone, and this has NEVER happened. EVER. I had even bought new, RED luggage 2 days before. It is RED people...it shouldn't be that hard! THIS does not happen to me.
I know. You are thinking so what, big deal. Well, I am getting to the kicker. I. AM. NOT. ONE. OF. THOSE. PEOPLE. You got me?
Deep breaths, here goes. On Thursday, as I was, uh, um, er...going numero dos, something sort of felt "off" in my vagina (pronounced ba-hee-na). I didn't give it much thought. But then, when I stood up, I reached down and thought "DEAR GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT...AN OVARY?? Nope. I gave birth to a fucking tampon. A FUCKING TAMPON WHICH I HAD NOT USED SINCE THE CRUISE IN FUCKING FEBRUARY!!!! I really was in shock. A nasty ass month old tampon. There you go, proof that kids make me FUCKING RETARDED!
Things that I am thankful for:
1) No Toxic Shock Syndrome
2) No trip to the ER
3) Not time for a pap...I love my gyno and would certainly have to switch after that hidden gem
4) That I just taken a shit because I would have otherwise shit my pants after that discovery
5) That I got my fucking period 2 days later...I hope I can handle it
I. DON'T. DO. THAT. anymore
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6 comments:
CLEARLY this is the story you were talking about the other day that you couldn't tell in public! It might make you feel better to know that you aren't my only friend this has happened to. . . only it didn't end so smoothly for the other one -- one very unpleasant trip to the gyno was involved. I swear brain cells are passed to the fetus when we're pregnant.
At least you and Darrell didn't have to open all the windows in the house due to the smell during sex to discover the problem... hello Amy B. and Jamey S.! Nice Julie! It is nice to know that if I ever have children I am fucked! Because as 'we' all know I am scatter brained and dingy all the time with no excuse but breathing to fall back on. I love you Julie for sharing the good, the bad and the really icky!
This has to be the funniest post I have read in a long time. I don't remember shit since I had kids. Since having Sam I have done so many dumb things. Everytime I leave somewhere I have to count children to make sure I didn't leave one somewhere.
LOL...Ok, that was hilarious to read!! Motherhood and the lost brain cells bring on some very funny moments!!
next time put on *warning* on shit like this! i was reading this at work and about pissed my pants. everyone wanted to know what i was laughing at. i lied.
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